INSOLUBLE.

“The greatest and most important problems of life are all fundamentally insoluble. They can never be solved but only outgrown.”

—

Carl Jung

Days at Work

Okay. I Gave up. I had issues with the compensation, my body clock and the things i've spent.

I know. I just wasted my time for not finishing it. Everything was actually smoothly sailing but not until the people whom I don't talk to that much and the people whom i'm not that close with, suddenly spoke up. It's a weird and funny feeling. Their mean-ness was just one heck of a thing I would never stand. That one time where in as if I froze to death even if it was really hot. That one time wherein it's like I wanna scream to their faces the things I wanna say but then I rather won't. I'm not lowering my standards. I'm and adept person so no need.

Anyhoo, I'm done with it. Thanks for the things you've taught me. I will never forget anything of it.

I love you Mommy.

Hi, Mommy. I'm your baby. You don't know me yet, I'm only a few weeks old. You're going to find out about me soon, though, I promise. Let me tell you some things about me. My name is John, and I've got beautiful brown eyes and black hair. Well, I don't have it yet, but I will when I'm born. I'm going to be your only child, and you'll call me your one and only. I'm going to grow up without a daddy mostly, but we have each other. We'll help each other, and love each other. I want to be a doctor when I grow up.

You found out about me today, Mommy! You were so excited, you couldn't wait to tell everyone. All you could do all day was smile, and life was perfect. You have a beautiful smile, Mommy. It will be the first face I will see in my life, and it will be the best thing I see in my life. I know it already.

Today was the day you told Daddy. You were so excited to tell him about me! ...He wasn't happy, Mommy. He kind of got angry. I don't think that you noticed, but he did. He started to talk about something called wedlock, and money, and bills, and stuff I don't think I understand yet. You were still happy, though, so it was okay. Then he did something scary, Mommy. He hit you. I could feel you fall backward, and your hands flying up to protect me. I was okay... but I was very sad for you. You were crying then, Mommy. That's a sound I don't like. It doesn't make me feel good. It made me cry, too. He said sorry after, and he hugged you again. You forgave him, Mommy, but I'm not sure if I do. It wasn't right. You say he loves you... why would he hurt you? I don't like it, Mommy.

Finally, you can see me! Your stomach is a little bit bigger, and you're so proud of me! You went out with your mommy to buy new clothes, and you were so so so happy. You sing to me, too. You have the most beautiful voice in the whole wide world. When you sing is when I'm happiest. And you talk to me, and I feel safe. So safe. You just wait and see, Mommy. When I am born I will be perfect just for you. I will make you proud, and I will love you with all of my heart.

I can move my hands and feet now, Mommy. I do it because you put your hands on your belly to feel me, and I giggle. You giggle, too. I love you, Mommy.

Daddy came to see you today, Mommy. I got really scared. He was acting funny and he wasn't talking right. He said he didn't want you. I don't know why, but that's what he said. And he hit you again. I got angry, Mommy. When I grow up I promise I won't let you get hurt! I promise to protect you. Daddy is bad. I don't care if you think that he is a good person, I think he's bad. But he hit you, and he said he didn't want us. He doesn't like me. Why doesn't he like me, Mommy?

You didn't talk to me tonight, Mommy. Is everything okay?

It's been three days since you saw Daddy. You haven't talked to me or touched me or anything since that. Don't you still love me, Mommy? I still love you. I think you feel sad. The only time I feel you is when you sleep. You sleep funny, kind of curled up on your side. And you hug me with your arms, and I feel safe and warm again. Why don't you do that when you're awake, any more?

I'm 21 weeks old today, Mommy. Aren't you proud of me? We're going somewhere today, and it's somewhere new. I'm excited. It looks like a hospital, too. I want to be a doctor when I grow up, Mommy. Did I tell you that? I hope you're as excited as I am. I can't wait.

...Mommy, I'm getting scared. Your heart is still beating, but I don't know what you are thinking. The doctor is talking to you. I think something's going to happen soon. I'm really, really, really scared, Mommy. Please tell me you love me. Then I will feel safe again. I love you!

Mommy, what are they doing to me!? It hurts! Please make them stop! It feels bad! Please, Mommy, please please help me! Make them stop!

Don't worry Mommy, I'm safe. I'm in heaven with the angels now. They told me what you did, and they said it's called an abortion.

Why, Mommy? Why did you do it? Don't you love me any more? Why did you get rid of me? I'm really, really, really sorry if I did something wrong, Mommy. I love you, Mommy! I love you with all of my heart. Why don't you love me? What did I do to deserve what they did to me? I want to live, Mommy! Please! It really, really hurts to see you not care about me, and not talk to me. Didn't I love you enough? Please say you'll keep me, Mommy! I want to live smile and watch the clouds and see your face and grow up and be a doctor. I don't want to be here, I want you to love me again! I'm really really really sorry if I did something wrong. I love you!


I love you, Mommy.

Every abortion is just…

One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.

If you’re against abortion, reblog.

Certainty.

cer·tain·ty [sur-tn-tee]

–noun, plural -ties.

1. the state of being certain.

2. something certain; an assured fact.

(courtesy of an online dictionary)

I only have three points for this.

First. The fight me and Vj went through the past few days made me certain that I want him. I need him and that I love him. I know lot's of girls who has their boyfriends say it for like one million times to different people already and take them back the time they both had a fight or even broke up. For my case, I never fell out of love. I never cursed him. Yes, i've been through the pains, the odds, the sacrifices an still I need to learn a lot. But one thing's for sure, I am very certain that I love him, and that i'll never let him go. :)

Second, The company that i'm gonna work with staring Monday, called me a while ago and confirmed my attendance. I know, it's all kinda fast. Everything's still blurry for me. What I will be doing, how will I speak, the friend's i'll be making... Everything. But still, I think i'm pretty much certain for this work. Especially that it's only for 6months. I'll try hard to make everything right. HAHA

Third, to stand up for cancer. I know this is pretty weird. I mean, it's not everyday when a simple woman like me stands up for something I don't even know that much. Yes, it's all over the news, the broad sheets and the internet (that most of my age are into now-a-days) but then, people which doesn't have any of their loved ones been hurt or affected by it. Well, I have. Kuya Tisay. She's an adopted daughter of Nanang and it's just last year when she died of endometrial cancer. I can still remember, the way she cried because she still doesn't want to die. Whoever wants to die of a young age right? But then, I felt the sympathy for her.

This awareness video I saw in Saab Magalona's blog made me say that I'm really certain to stand up AGAINST cancer.

IT HURTS.

I just had two of my third molars extracted yesterday. Gawsh. I never thought that it would be this hassle and that it would hurt this much. Eer. :(

PLEASE BE A LITTLE NEAR.

I MISS YOU VICTOR JOSEPH HERNANDEZ RAMOS.

BUMALIK KA NA DITO SA MANILA PLEASE? I'M MORE AT EASE WHEN I KNOW THAT YOU'RE NEAR ME.

OKAY? :(

You're Irreplaceable

As I was walking from MRT a while ago and was texting VJ, we had this conversation:

ANDI: Kamusta na ang Lola?

VJ: Masama na...

Her lola is currently in the ICU because of Typhoid Fever that she acquired. And due to aging, her body defense is already weak. As I was thinking and being worried about it, suddenly, I thought of Tito Rey. Ate Mandz' father.

We weren't really that close, plush he's not my godfather. But we always spend Christmas and New Year in their house since my Dad and Him are best friends (and cousins). Us (Me and my sisters) are very special for him and his family. They always give us food, gifts, plenty of gifts I mean, and asks us to go out of town or just to swim in their village's pool. Trick or Treat, Christmas, New Year, Ate Mandz' Birthday and even her graduation and Ballet recitals were just few of the occasions that me and my family always attend to. So it was a great shock when he died.

As I have said, we weren't that close. Me and Tito Rey, but I always admire him for his patience, perseverance and kind attitude. Him and his family always thinks of us. Of what school we should be into, what work and just everything. And at that very moment (and even now) I really feel that I miss him. And everytime I think about it, its like I wanna cry. Remembering how my Dad cried (knowing that He never cried for anyone else, even in his parent's death), Ate Mandz' how she really wanted to hug his dad for the last time, Nanang (his mother) how she grieved for his only son and Tita Mila, how she pretended to be very strong for her daughter and for Nanang. Now I really know why he was my dad's best friend.

I just don't understand why God let that happen to him. He was so kind to everyone and not everyone could be like that. I mean, he's even shy to open up things about his daughter and her career because he knows that his daughter would be hurt. He was so patient of us and of my dad.

He was just irreplaceable. His attitude was so irreplaceable for me.

Open Letter to my Uncle

Tito Rey,

I know you're with God already together with Mama Nats and Papa... I don't know why but suddenly, I missed you. Everything has already changed here. I already graduated and Yiel is really tall already. Our Garage is now in Cubao and Nanang is really sad. I know that up to know, she's still grieving and very much hurt. As well as Tita Mila, who up to now, pretends to be very strong. My dad misses you too. As well as your very nice god daughter, Ate Margz. Have fun there and continue to guide us here. You'll always be irreplaceable for me. And I really admire you. Thank You for everything and for the replay shorts that you gave me. Thank You for everything.

Love,

Melissa

THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING TITO REY. YOU'RE ALWAYS REMEMBERED.

P.S. May kurot talaga sa puso ko ito. :'(